Time and Discontent

I've been feeling old lately (At this point, the line from Monty Python and the Holy Grail , "I'm 37. I'm not old!" is appropriate). It's not just that I didn't get much in the way of sleep last night, or that I'm moving heavy objects in my office in anticipation of a forced move to God only knows what broom closet they've set aside for me. Nope, I'm feeling old because I think time has betrayed me.

There have been other points in my life when I felt like life had passed me by. 30 was hard, as I was struggling in my first career, recently married, and totally unsure of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. 35 went a little smoother, although I still am plotting revenge on the friends who went with the "over the hill" and "one foot in the grave" theme! But now 37, almost 38, is here and I'm really wondering if I am, indeed, growing old

There's a couple of factors going on in this feeling. The first is the coming of my 20th high school reunion - a wonderful opportunity to see just how fat, bald, and disaffected my generation has become! There are several people (some of them actually read this blog!) that I haven't seen in years and would love to see again, and some that I can't even remember if I ever had a class with (is memory the first thing to go?). I went to my 10th, found it to be so-so, but if I can make it up to Virginia for the 20th, I'll try to make it. Hey, if it stinks, I don't have to worry about another one for ten years!

The next issue is children. In recent months two friends, one of whom I lost touch with until just this week, have had babies. Babies are a great way to feel old. It doesn't seem like too long ago that whenever I heard of someone having a child, I thought, "Wow, she's so young!" Now, the thought is, "Good thing she had a child now, she's getting to the point where it may be dangerous!"

I don't have children. One Ring and I have a dog, and we've been kicking around the idea of getting another once Barney the Dog of Destruction calms down. I know that One Ring would like to have kids at some point, but the thing is, when I look in the mirror, I still think of myself as someone who doesn't possess the maturity, wisdom, and intelligence to raise a healthy child. Honestly, I think that if I ever had a child, I wouldn't put money away in a college fund; I'd have to stuff it into a therapy fund!

So I read all the bios for my classmates of '88, and see that someone that I thought would be a total basket case by now has a family, career, and 2.5 children, and it gives me the feeling that somewhere along the way, I lost the manual on how to live a stable life that runs according to plan. Of course, in many ways that's a good thing, and there are days where I wouldn't change a thing. But today, as I look around at the barely restrained chaos that is the world around me, I feel old and tired. Hmmm, maybe a nap and a cup of tea would do the trick. Aggggh! What am I saying? See, I AM growing old! : )