I just completed a huge portion of my application for a full time, permanent position with the VA. Roughly 28 pages listing everything (and I mean everything, just short of "became physically ill following church pot luck dinner!") I have done over the last 10 years of religious work. Tedious, repetitious, and probably will be overlooked by the poor slob who has to read it. But it's done, and that's a minor victory today (now doing victory dance in the office!)
But I've been wondering why it's taken me so long to complete this portion, when there is so much more to be done. My colleague (who is still without a nickname) has completely finished his application, and is now on his way to Kinko's to make copies. At last count, his total application is almost 200 pages, but that includes about a ton of transcripts, diplomas, certificates, photocopied articles, newsletters, and so forth. Still, though, he's finished, and I still haven't even applied to receive my transcripts.
So what's the deal? What's kept me paralysed and playing pirate games (I had a major victory over a really tough opponent last night, sending two of his Ships of the Line to the bottom with just one of my Frigates, but I digress.) when I could be burning the midnight oil making phone calls, following up on requests for letters of reference and endorsements? At times, it's almost as if I would rather run for the hills and hide in a cave than get all this paperwork done and sent out.
I've been thinking about this for most of the weekend, as I've been plugging along at the silly thing. And what I keep coming back to is, as the title of this post says, the fear of failure. I'm scared to death of being rejected for the three positions coming up in April and June. I'm terrified of being passed over and seen as lacking in my credentials, experience, or abilities. Basically, I'm afraid of being "not good enough," or seen as being not good enough by others. One Ring tells me that the only way I could ensure failure is by not applying at all. To some extent, she's absolutely right. However, I fear that failing to get the position - and all that it entails in terms of financial security, health benefits, and an economic boom - is going to open up a huge wound in my psyche. In short, I fear being a failure.
Fears are irrational creatures. I've had patients talk to me about their fears of this or that and then follow up by saying, "That sounds silly, I know, but that's the way I feel." And oftentimes our fears do seem silly. Why should I be afraid of failing to get a job for which I'm more than qualified? Why should I think that all I'll ever be able to do is be a second rate, perpetual resident earning a meager wage doing the same work I did 10 years ago? It's very, very silly, when I think of it in those terms. But then, all monsters look silly when they're dragged out into the light at the end of the horror movie. It's when the monster is creeping around in the dark, and all you can hear are creaking floorboards and various gutteral monster noises that the fear level amps up. I think the same is true with any fear.
So say a prayer for me and all the other people out there fighting their fears and trying to move up in life. I'm going to keep on plugging away at this thing (I've left a bunch of messages on answering machines today, and just printed out transcript requests for my undergrad and graduate studies), and do my best to stop thinking that there's an anvil about to drop on my head, a'la some Tiny Toons cartoon!
But I've been wondering why it's taken me so long to complete this portion, when there is so much more to be done. My colleague (who is still without a nickname) has completely finished his application, and is now on his way to Kinko's to make copies. At last count, his total application is almost 200 pages, but that includes about a ton of transcripts, diplomas, certificates, photocopied articles, newsletters, and so forth. Still, though, he's finished, and I still haven't even applied to receive my transcripts.
So what's the deal? What's kept me paralysed and playing pirate games (I had a major victory over a really tough opponent last night, sending two of his Ships of the Line to the bottom with just one of my Frigates, but I digress.) when I could be burning the midnight oil making phone calls, following up on requests for letters of reference and endorsements? At times, it's almost as if I would rather run for the hills and hide in a cave than get all this paperwork done and sent out.
I've been thinking about this for most of the weekend, as I've been plugging along at the silly thing. And what I keep coming back to is, as the title of this post says, the fear of failure. I'm scared to death of being rejected for the three positions coming up in April and June. I'm terrified of being passed over and seen as lacking in my credentials, experience, or abilities. Basically, I'm afraid of being "not good enough," or seen as being not good enough by others. One Ring tells me that the only way I could ensure failure is by not applying at all. To some extent, she's absolutely right. However, I fear that failing to get the position - and all that it entails in terms of financial security, health benefits, and an economic boom - is going to open up a huge wound in my psyche. In short, I fear being a failure.
Fears are irrational creatures. I've had patients talk to me about their fears of this or that and then follow up by saying, "That sounds silly, I know, but that's the way I feel." And oftentimes our fears do seem silly. Why should I be afraid of failing to get a job for which I'm more than qualified? Why should I think that all I'll ever be able to do is be a second rate, perpetual resident earning a meager wage doing the same work I did 10 years ago? It's very, very silly, when I think of it in those terms. But then, all monsters look silly when they're dragged out into the light at the end of the horror movie. It's when the monster is creeping around in the dark, and all you can hear are creaking floorboards and various gutteral monster noises that the fear level amps up. I think the same is true with any fear.
So say a prayer for me and all the other people out there fighting their fears and trying to move up in life. I'm going to keep on plugging away at this thing (I've left a bunch of messages on answering machines today, and just printed out transcript requests for my undergrad and graduate studies), and do my best to stop thinking that there's an anvil about to drop on my head, a'la some Tiny Toons cartoon!
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