Monday, March 22, 2010

I Was Hoping to Publish This Earlier

But, alas, work is work, and blogging is blogging, and the two just don't mix well these days. So here it is, one hour before quitting time, and I'm just now getting through with my paperwork and writing something. Of course now my brain is fried and all the clever things I had to say have died on the vine. Oh, well. At least I have the capability to blog while at work!

I was playing "A Pirate Looks at 40" the other night - and yes, I'm pretty much finished learning how to play it! Now if I could only learn how to sing and play at the same time! - and thinking about getting older and how I need to put more effort into figuring out the meaning of it all. I'm not talking about figuring out the meaning of life - I don't believe that there is just ONE meaning. I mean trying to figure out my place in this whole drama and how I can improve myself and the space around me.

Trouble is, the results of this thought exercise seems to totally depend on the status of my mood at the time I consider the issue. If I'm tired and depressed, my outlook is naturally bleak, and I follow the path that tells me that there is nothing I can do to improve anything. Sort of a almost nihilistic point of view. And, of course, if I'm in a good mood - low work stress, sunny day, etc. - then I feel more balanced and in touch with that which is greater than myself.

Okay, all of that was written yesterday (3/22/10 for those of you playing at home). Today is an entirely different kind of chaos. Three patients going through detox, two more getting called on the carpet for not following directions, then a good dozen coming in for med checks, groups, and other issues. Plus there seems to be a full moon in terms of the phone calls I'm getting. Very weird stuff. I am not superstitious in the least - as I've said before, I don't believe in anything that so much as hints at the supernatural - but some days the level of insanity around here makes me wonder. Sadly, my personal suggestion that we put a pharmaceutical cocktail consisting of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and anti-anxiety meds in the water here seems to have fallen on deaf ears. Oh, well.

So I'm taking a moment to finish this before throwing myself back into the fray. Fun fun fun.

Anyway, I think my point above is made. Depending on my mood, my life seems to either be chaos or grounded and interconnected (in a healthy way) with others. Others may disagree, but I've always felt that developing ones spirituality is simple when life is going well and all is calm. It's when moods are a swingin' and mayhem is a goin' on that grounding oneself takes a huge amount of inner strength and, dare I say, faith.

I started this blog when I felt upbeat. Silly, even. My interest in the Golden Age of Piracy had spread not only into books and museum exhibits, but into movies, and games (I miss you, Pirates CCG!). My experience as a fencer played well into it, as did my love of the sea and trips to the Caribbean. I have wooden ships and ships in bottles on my bookshelf here, and occasionally crank up a couple of CDs that I own of nautical tunes. Of course, living in Tennessee means that there are few people who can relate to this! : )

Now, three years (and then some) after moving to this area, I no longer fence - there's a distinct lack of buckled swashes here! - and the only piracy to be found is either online (which is distinctly different and world's apart from storming the decks of a merchant vessel, cutlass in hand!) or waving an AK-47 around like an idiot off the coast of Somalia. As the song says, "The cannons don't thunder, there's nothing to plunder. I'm an over 40 victim of fate, arriving too late."

A silly thing to feel, I know. But sometimes I wonder if my interest in the topic is silly as well. I'll have to ponder and wonder.

Well, I hear more patients gathering in the hall. Guess I have to open my door and tend to the hordes.

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